Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Clearing my Throat

What an odd name for a blog? Actually, no.

This morning I was up and preparing for my day. I have deadlines for the publications I work for/with and they all fall right around the first of each month.

At the same time I have Fiction and Non-Fiction projects that require my time.

And I have my usual responsibilities.

I was up about 1 1/2 hrs early today to start work on these things and just as I began I was seized by an overwhelming fear. These "moments" have recently increased as my success has taken a fevered pitch. NO you have not seen me on the radio talk shows or television yet, but in publishing things work at a snail's pace. The things that are currently in the works have me so overwhelmed with excitement that I find myself nearly terrified that something will go wrong and they'll all fall like a house of cards when a breeze blows.

That is where I was this morning. Looking at the stack of work to do, I felt completely inadequate. And for some reason my memory took me back to my childhood when my dad would clear his throat just before speaking.

It was a simply act. Two bursts of air in the back of his throat, always covered by a polite fist. But it told me something was coming. I was about to learn something, hear something, be instructed. My husband still laughs that, even though I'm 32, if my dad happens to clear his throat I stop what I'm doing and focus my attention on him. Sometimes my dad will speak, other times he'll look at my expectant eyes and say "What? I was just clearing my throat."

I don't know why this statement, or this memory was so strong for me this morning. All I know is when I felt terrified, inadequate and without the answers I needed, I remembered my dad clearing his throat. I remembered what it was to be expectant, but without fear. I remembered that for some silly reason, that simple sound comforted me. It was familiar. I knew what to expect.

Maybe it is time for me to clear my throat, in a manner of speaking. Clear away the junk that is blocking my author's voice from being fully heard. Maybe it is time for me to prepare to speak. Or maybe I need to turn my ear to the one who cleared his voice this morning. When I was sitting alone on my living room couch feeling overwhelmed. I heard someone clear his voice.

And with the expectation of a child, I waited for his voice. All fear gone. I fully expected my answer.

I have to go, I have preparation to do.

Your Coach for the Journey, Tiffany Colter

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